These last couple of weeks have been tough. Not the roughest weeks we’ve experienced as individuals, but tough nonetheless. A time that has challenged us as parents and our ability to “think positive”.
Just over a week ago (Mother’s Day in fact) we had to get our 1 year old tested for COVID after he became unwell over that weekend. A few nights following Mother’s Day, my other half in a moment of vulnerability asked me how he could “think positive in a time like now” as he struggled to make sense of our current reality. Our reality, (and only made worse by him actively stalking Coronavirus world meters every day) was us anxiously awaiting the results for our 1 year old (admittedly the wait was likely less anxious than what it would have been a month ago when the curve was less flat). His question and ask of me was simple, “tell me, as a psychologist, how do I think positive right now?” I told him, you don’t. I could tell that my answer was perplexing. Surely positive thinking trumps all, right? Surely, we should just search for the silver lining, and we would feel better right? Should we “always look on the bright side of life” as the classic Monty Python song suggests?
Maybe you can relate to this. For instance, how many can relate to a time when you’ve been in a mood or even had a rough week and told yourself to just “snap out of it” or told yourself, “it’s not that bad”. Or maybe someone else told you to “just think positive” or to “find the silver lining”. Maybe you were politely reminded to think of all the things you have rather than what you don’t have. How did you respond? Is “thinking positive” always the answer and is it always good for our wellbeing?
How did positive thinking become popular?
We can probably all remember the sweep of hype that came with the release of the popular book and subsequent following of ‘The Secret’ and the popular following of Anthony (Tony) Robbins that suggested that by manifesting something in our mind, repeating affirmations of courage and strength, we will achieve positive outcomes. This approach must not be confused with the well-researched and evidence based approach of “positive psychology” made very popular (and deservingly popular) by Martin Selgiman in late 90’s when Seligman (1998) challenged his fellow peers and psychologists to create a ‘science of strength and virtue’ that would ‘nurture what is best within ourselves’ (p. 1). This movement went on to feature heavily in research with patients with serious medical and health conditions and illness proclaiming that a mindset characterised by focussing on our strengths and what’s in our control would promote better outcomes. The work of Seligman continues to feature in many wellbeing articles and research and deservedly so.
There may be a few of you reading this arguing for the validity of positive thinking and there is no doubt that thinking differently or “cognitive reframing” has proven to be a very effective tool in and out of therapy. Cognitive reframing can help us ‘reframe’ situations and gain perspective and control over our circumstances, facilitate growth and movement in dealing with grief, motivation, careers and relationships. Many of us have probably used cognitive reframing on many occasions to help us “change our mind” or to “think differently”. Indeed, it is important to point out that well placed ‘positive thinking’ is better than negative thinking and has proven to be effective in shaping our brain in what is known as neuroplasticity. Positive emotions, which are experienced in response to ‘positive’ thoughts actually widen our span of attention and it also changes our perception (Goleman, 2013). Contrast this to what happens to our thinking when we are under stress, are angry or anxious, whereby metabolic energy is drawn away from our prefrontal cortex (where higher order thinking is done) meaning that our ability to take in new information or think creatively is limited.
So then just what is the issue with positive thinking?
The research is clear positive thinking can be very useful for our creativity and cognitive thinking but is it always well placed. Let’s explore some instances where it may be misplaced.
Do some situations warrant particular emotions, albeit negative ones?
We can probably all agree that there are no right or wrong “reactions” to a situation. We can probably also all agree that some situations do indeed warrant a particular emotional reaction and response. For example, imagine if you were the primary breadwinner and you lost your job, or you were a victim of crime or even lost a loved one, or were trying to “beat cancer”. For some, these things don’t need to be imagined. For some, this has been, or is, your current reality and you would know and understand that in some situations, our emotions are entirely “justified” or “warranted”. In the current world of COVID-19, there is no doubt that some of the restrictions have left many of us feeling sad, frustrated, worried and anxious. Who said that these are not valid emotions amidst a current global pandemic? Similarly, wouldn't most parents experience worry waiting for their child's medical test results?
If we don’t achieve outcomes is our thinking to blame?
Proponents of positive thinking suggest that having a “fighting spirit”, or courage is an important mindset for example to beating cancer and promoting recovery, overcoming fertility or losing weight. And whilst research has indicated that for many participants in clinical trials having a positive attitude is indeed better than having a negative attitude, this approach somehow implies that those who do not “beat” cancer or those who cannot conceive are weak or did not “fight” hard enough.
In the literature “Positive thinking” has featured heavily in research studies with cancer patients with mixed findings. Some critiques of positive thinking suggest that positive thinking places pressure on patients with cancer to engage in positive thinking and this may add to their psychological burden. As a Psychologist I understand the power of attitudes and mindset, and whilst suffering infertility and the inability to conceive for just on 2 years, being told to “just relax” or “just think positive” was very damaging and hurtful. Sadly I know I am not alone in the cruel joke of infertility. And many would appreciate my position when positive thinking is suggested as a solution to my broken womb and how my mindset it seems is to blame.
Can “denying” ourselves certain emotions cause distress?
Imagine a time in your life where you have experienced a rollercoaster of emotions such as anger, sadness, bitterness, frustration and maybe even guilt. Perhaps these feelings were appropriate to the situation. Now imagine being told to “think positive”. This suggestion, to “think positive” or to think “differently” (although most times well intended), almost implies that these emotions (in this case negative) are “wrong” or not valid. How does this cause harm? When we perceive that our emotions are misplaced, not appropriate to the situation or not justified we may feel embarrassed or ashamed about our emotions and feelings. For example, when we experience disappointment after not receiving the promotion that we had pitched for and a colleague makes an attempt at helping us reframe by commenting that we “should be grateful for having a job”. This may lead to confusion and guilt for experiencing an emotion that is perfectly in context given the situation (Really who wouldn’t be disappointed at not getting a promotion you had worked hard for?). In this way, the colleagues perhaps well intended comment has created more distress than if they had simply acknowledged the emotion. Imagine in that situation your colleague saying “it’s understandable that you feel disappointed you didn’t get the promotion, you have worked really hard”. The emotion is acknowledged and diffused and you are in a much better position to think clearly and rationally (and plan for the next promotion).
If positive thinking is not always the answer, what are some ways we can promote our wellbeing when faced with tough situations, days or even weeks:
Some practical tips for yourself next time you are in a distressing situation:
* Be mindful of unhelpful language: Be mindful of language such as “at least I…” or “But I should have…” or “it could be worse”. This language only serves to invalidate your experience and create further psychological distress
INSTEAD TRY THESE:
* Identify and label emotion: When we label our emotions it can acts as a form of catharsis and reduce the subjective experience of negative emotions along with reducing physical symptoms. Why not try it!
For yourself: label how you feel. "I am worried"
For others: Check in with them about their emotion- “I sense that you are upset and angry”
* Validate the emotion: Acknowledge the situation and context in which we feel the emotion
For yourself: This is a crappy situation, no wonder I feel this way
For others: “It’s understandable you feel that way, you have had a rough time”
* Give yourself space to “be” with your emotions: It’s ok to have time to feel negative emotions, as yucky as they are, they are sometimes important and necessary to allow ourselves to process the situation and grow.
For self: I am going to allow myself today to feel sad and check in on how I am going later
For others: “It’s ok to feel how you feel, we all have not so good days”
* Be kind to yourself: We can’t be expected to always “look on the bright side of life”. It’s exhausting and at times inauthentic to what we are deservedly experiencing and feeling.
Hopefully, you’ve been able to relate to some of these examples and findings and realised that the pressure to always “think positive” is exhausting and at times damaging to our wellbeing. Please be kind to yourself. In the words of my 4 year old “it’s ok to be sad”.
#wellbeing #wellness #positivethinking #positivepsychology #mentalhealth #neuroplasticity #negativeemotions #negativeemotions #emotionalintelligence
Reference: Goleman, D. (2013). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. HarperCollins Publishers.
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