"I did not love my son when he was born!"
For years I wanted to be a mum! I was obsessed with finding the love of my life and having children. It was not a matter of if, it was when. In 2014 after two long and emotional years of trying to conceive, after making an appointment with an IVF clinic we fell pregnant with our first son. I was cautiously optimistic throughout the pregnancy but my fears were unfounded because in June 2015 we delivered our perfect first son and he made me a mum! The moment that I had dreamt about, seen on movies, seen photos of in my mothers group, was here, meeting my first child.
In those first few hours after meeting my son and as the adrenaline (and epidural) wore off, my emotions started to kick in. I felt a range of emotions, relief, worry, joy, calm, but one thing that I did not feel, was that feeling of being “in love”. I had seen so many birth announcements where mums and dads ever so proudly declared that they were “so in love” with their new additions. In the hours, days and weeks following his birth I cannot say that I was in love with my son. IT WAS MEANT TO BE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! I didn’t get it. What was wrong with me I wondered. I was not in love with my son!
Now if I had a traumatic or complicated birth or a difficult pregnancy than I could explain it away, but my birth was textbook, completely in my control and decisions being made by me. My pregnancy (once the morning sickness let up in the second trimester) was relatively straightforward. If those two things were different, then that might have explained why I struggled to fall in love with my son.
In reading the literature, articles and other mums recounts since having my first son (and last year having my second) tell me that even before the birth of a child our brain changes itself in preparation for this new life. The emotions we feel during pregnancy and
immediately post-partum are due to neurological changes in our brain. For example, greater metabolic activity increases in the centres that govern empathy, anxiety and our social connectedness. These changes taken together facilitate the feelings that a mother feels post-partum such as attraction, that fierce mumma bear instinct, the constant worry and, overwhelming love.
These neurological changes partially explain the neurological origins of post-partum anxiety and depression (and even perinatal mental health). It also somewhat explains some of the obsessive behaviours that we (may) experience post-partum like obsessing over the perfect outfit for baby, the perfect photo, obsessively checking if the baby breathing monitor is on, obsessively getting baby weighed (slight admission here about some of my obsessive behaviours post-partum). These behaviours have been explained by what neurologists call maternal motivation. This system, driven by the dopaminergic and oxytocinergic neuroendocrine system is called the maternal motivation system. Some may be familiar with the neurotransmitters of dopamine and oxytocin being responsible for our happy feel good emotions.
So that explains why many mothers feel that instant attachment and love but what about those mothers who don’t feel that instant attachment? I suspect that I am not alone. In fact, in some of my reading the statistic is as high as 1 in 5 mothers who don’t feel that overwhelming motherly love. Instead, what these mothers may feel, just like me is confusion, shame and guilt for not being instantly in love with our new baby, unable to declare to the world that we are “so in love”.
Even now as I write this, I feel a sense of shame and guilt as I admit to myself and the world again that I was not in love with my much-anticipated baby. For those who know me, know that I very much love my sons. So perhaps, our love was a gradual process. In hindsight the shame, guilt and embarrassment, coupled with the endless negative self-talk of “what’s wrong with me?”, “why don’t I feel that way too?” , “why can’t I bond with my baby?” did me no favours (and probably amplified by sleep deprivation and a sick baby). I WAS NOT PREPARED for this part of motherhood. It was certainly not something that anyone said to me in the lead up to the birth. Instead, I often heard comments like “motherhood will change you”, or “it’s a love that you never knew existed” or “that moment when you first hold your baby”. It’s time to start talking about the other side. Sometimes mothers struggle to bond with their baby. There is nothing wrong with them, there is nothing to feel shame or guilt about. Sometimes things are contextual, and sometimes things aren’t (such as in the case for me). For some, attachment and bonding takes time. It’s a slow burn as they say.
On a practical note, the literature above is why skin to skin contact is so important in the newborn stage as the skin to skin increases dopamine and oxytocine which facilitates
bonding and attachment in both mother and baby. It’s also important to recognise that if this state continues this can be an indicator of post-partum depression and a mother should seek out help from a GP, child nurse or a psychologist. There are a number of reasons that can explain why a mother struggles to attach to their baby. For some, the attachment to their baby may indeed be explained by a traumatic birth, or circumstances surrounding the birth or their family life. Lack of support, feeding difficulties, extended stays in hospital, premature baby. For me, none of that applied yet I struggled with attachment.
One thing, that perhaps goes partially to explaining my experience and my lack of overwhelming love is a mismatch between expectation and reality. I expected to be completely changed straight away, but that wasn’t the case. As a psychologist I knew the importance of mother-baby bonding and attachment and that this started straight from birth. In fact, studies about childhood development and maternal attachment featured heavily in both my psychology and criminology degree. So did this mean that I was now destined to raise a psychopath because I did not feel this immediate bond? (I know that’s not true, I am blessed in that my son is actually extremely kind, generous and sweet). But the mismatch between my expectations and the reality absolutely caused confusion and guilt. All my research since fails to give me a concrete reason why this happened for me. For some mums the bond isn’t instant. That doesn’t mean that it won’t be that way forever, it may just mean you need more time. Just like I did. The love for my son certainly came. The journey to get there wasn’t easy I will admit. But my resulting journey and post-natal depression is a story for another blog.
My ask for any parents, and parents-to-be is simple, let’s talk about our experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The mismatch between expectation and reality, and sometimes the painful, isolating truths.
Please leave a comment if you can relate to this. It would be nice to hear that we aren't alone.
#maternalbonding #attachment #postnatal #postpartum #postnatalbonding #postnataldepression #postnatalanxiety #attachmentdifficulties #maternalmentalhealth #mentalhealth #womensmentalhealth
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